Here I Am

So, today has been a pretty interesting day. Nothing spectacular has happened. I just woke up pretty refreshed, made it to work on time, and am having a good work day. Somewhere between my drive to work and about 9am, something shifted though. I'm extremely energized and excited about what the Lord has in store. Jer. 29:11 has been my mantra for the last few months. "'I know the plans I have for you' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future.'"

That scripture is becoming more and more real to me as the days go by. I'll admit, I'm a bit surprised at just how freeing that is. As I'm understanding and accepting that He knows the plans He has for me and that those plans are only for my good, to both prosper me, give me hope and give me an expected future, I can't help but get excited! It's pushing me more to pursue dreams - to actually let myself dream - because where there is no vision (dream) I'll perish. My hope will die, my excitement will die. And what is death but living a mediocre existence when a spectacular one is available?!

What's so freeing about all of this is that I'm becoming less and less afraid of what might happen. Less afraid of the potential missteps and "failures". Less afraid of what I might lose because what I have to gain is so much greater. I think I've finally come to the point of not only saying, but believing "forgetting the former things, I press toward the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus". Forget all of the nonsense! Whoever/whatever can't/won't come or support my going, oh well!

I'm okay with asking him "what's the deal with you and me? are you fine being friends or do you want more? and if you want more, what are you willing to do to have it?". I've finally come to the place that his response doesn't matter. By that I mean, if he's fine where we are, ok. It's not going to devastate or break me. What I feared losing I've already lost. To not get it back won't kill me. I've already survived the worst of that particular experience. If he wants to work at it, great. Either way, I know that the Lord has a plan and that gives me hope!

I'm ready to move on with life, but now for the right reasons. It's not because I just need to get away. It's not because I can't stand the loneliness. And it's not because I'm frustrated. My frustration and agitation from earlier in the year caused me to become more focused on my relationship with the Lord and where I was lacking. Coming face to face with my faults, shortcomings, etc, has only served to assure me of His strength in the midst. As Whitney's song says "I was not built to break".

I'm ready for the next move/transition simply because it's time. It's time for me to move on, to try something new, to see new places and people. Where that will take me, I'm not sure. I know that I can admit my wanting to go to Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, etc was purely for selfish reasons. I wanted to get as far away from what I thought had hurt me/was hurting me, that I was being irrational. I'm glad the Lord didn't open doors in those places. I was running from Elim, Pastor Ron, and Charles. Now, I can walk away, head held high because I'm trusting the Lord for my steps, not rushing in whatever direction looks like a path off the Shore.

I'm excited about what it will look like. :-D