Moving on...

So, I think I'm going to bid a fond adieu to Blogspot/Blogger. Though I didn't post much, I enjoyed the opportunity to put my thoughts out there. It gave me a place to vent, to release, and then a place to reflect. It was great not to keep my feelings/thoughts bottled up. I think finding a place to put your thoughts, whether in a journal, in a password protected Word document, or on the internet anonymously, helps you to wade through what's real and what's imagined. What's important and what's wasted energy. Things don't seem as big or as final when you can put it in writing then look at it again. You kind of get to remove your feelings. And in the light of reflection, you can re-affirm the truth and distance yourself from the false.

Thanks for giving me that, Blogspot! :-)

I don't know...I may continue, I may not...nothing's set in stone...and I think I like it that way. ;-)

Today

Sometimes it sucks feeling like there's nowhere to immediately vent one's frustrations. But I suppose it serves a purpose - you know, training oneself not to seek immediate gratification from flocks of people saying "what happened?" "what's going on?" "you wanna talk?" "I'm here if you need me...", etc. It also gives one the time to really reflect. Not everything is that deep or serious. Some stuff is super petty. Like arguing over whether "on" or "in" makes a vast difference in someone's interpretation of a phrase or statement. And letting that shit blow up into other, peripheral foolishness. And crying over it on the way to work. When the car decides to break down. So instead of crying in the privacy of one's vehicle, one's inane meltdown happens on the platform at the train station. A sad commentary, really.

And that's how my day started. How's your day going??

Here I Am

So, today has been a pretty interesting day. Nothing spectacular has happened. I just woke up pretty refreshed, made it to work on time, and am having a good work day. Somewhere between my drive to work and about 9am, something shifted though. I'm extremely energized and excited about what the Lord has in store. Jer. 29:11 has been my mantra for the last few months. "'I know the plans I have for you' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future.'"

That scripture is becoming more and more real to me as the days go by. I'll admit, I'm a bit surprised at just how freeing that is. As I'm understanding and accepting that He knows the plans He has for me and that those plans are only for my good, to both prosper me, give me hope and give me an expected future, I can't help but get excited! It's pushing me more to pursue dreams - to actually let myself dream - because where there is no vision (dream) I'll perish. My hope will die, my excitement will die. And what is death but living a mediocre existence when a spectacular one is available?!

What's so freeing about all of this is that I'm becoming less and less afraid of what might happen. Less afraid of the potential missteps and "failures". Less afraid of what I might lose because what I have to gain is so much greater. I think I've finally come to the point of not only saying, but believing "forgetting the former things, I press toward the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus". Forget all of the nonsense! Whoever/whatever can't/won't come or support my going, oh well!

I'm okay with asking him "what's the deal with you and me? are you fine being friends or do you want more? and if you want more, what are you willing to do to have it?". I've finally come to the place that his response doesn't matter. By that I mean, if he's fine where we are, ok. It's not going to devastate or break me. What I feared losing I've already lost. To not get it back won't kill me. I've already survived the worst of that particular experience. If he wants to work at it, great. Either way, I know that the Lord has a plan and that gives me hope!

I'm ready to move on with life, but now for the right reasons. It's not because I just need to get away. It's not because I can't stand the loneliness. And it's not because I'm frustrated. My frustration and agitation from earlier in the year caused me to become more focused on my relationship with the Lord and where I was lacking. Coming face to face with my faults, shortcomings, etc, has only served to assure me of His strength in the midst. As Whitney's song says "I was not built to break".

I'm ready for the next move/transition simply because it's time. It's time for me to move on, to try something new, to see new places and people. Where that will take me, I'm not sure. I know that I can admit my wanting to go to Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, etc was purely for selfish reasons. I wanted to get as far away from what I thought had hurt me/was hurting me, that I was being irrational. I'm glad the Lord didn't open doors in those places. I was running from Elim, Pastor Ron, and Charles. Now, I can walk away, head held high because I'm trusting the Lord for my steps, not rushing in whatever direction looks like a path off the Shore.

I'm excited about what it will look like. :-D

Facing The Giants

So, I was in a bit of mood yesterday by the time I got home from work. I was bothered with a friend, bothered about my missing the ex, annoyed that I tried to get something done but the person I need to get it done didn't respond to any communication. Plus I have developed this "interesting" rash across my abdomen & back. Apparently only .14% of the female population in the world gets this thing. I guess I'm special. :-D Anway, I was bothered so I decided to spend my evening watching a movie and self-medicating with some Edy's Rocky Road ice cream.

My mom loaned "Facing the Giants" to me when I was in Jersey last weekend. I'd heard about the movie, but to be honest, my expectations were kinda low. As a Christian film, I knew the budget was gonna be low, thus poor acting was more a surety than a guess. At any rate, I popped in the dvd, settled into the couch, and started watching.

It was actually pretty good! I enjoyed it. I even found myself tearing up at a few points in the movie, though the storyline was sooo predictable. lol One of the parts that stuck out to me the most (I apologize now for giving away parts of the movie) was when the head coach is talking to Mr. Bridges in the hall. At one point during the conversation Mr. Bridges tells Coach Taylor about the two farmers who asked God for rain for their fields. He said something to the effect of "Only one farmer went out and prepared his field. Who do you think showed faith in God? The one who asked for the rain or the one who prepared his field?"

Sometimes we ask God to do stuff for us & we just sit tight. Our faith isn't just in believing God can do it when you ask, but in doing something as an act of faith. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Heb. 11:1 My faith that God is going to do what I've prayed and asked for requires substance - something tangible. So, I'm preparing my field for rain. I'm planning on making some life changes pretty soon & I feel like I need to show God that I believe He's able by doing something.

On My Mind

I don't know that this is the best place for me to vent, but here I am.

I had a moment yesterday where I missed my ex - if one can call him that. Our last real conversation about us, the "breakup", has me wondering what he considered our relationship to be. Anyway, in my attempt to preserve the friendship, I email or text from time to time just to check on him. When I ask, "how are you?", I often get the response "good i miss u". Now, am I wrong for feelin some kinda way about this? I mean, he didn't have to miss me. He chose to put himself in that position by cheating, lying by omission, and showin up a year into the relationship with a newborn.

Maybe I'm trying to hold on to something that's not there. Maybe I can't handle being his friend if I'm going to get random "i miss u" text messages. Because truth be told, I miss him from time. I don't want to, but I do. And I'm annoyed that I have to miss him, that we didn't work because he didn't appreciate what he had.

I was asked the other day if I could forsee us ever getting back together....uhhh, HELL NO! It's not because I hate him now. Quite the contrary. I actually like him as a person. We started dating because we were already associates and realized a mutual attraction. He's a funny guy. He's smart. And, in general, he's a pretty good dude. I just will never trust him with my heart again. I won't allow myself to be played the fool by him for a second time. The history will always pause me & he doesn't deserve to constantly be questioned if he's changed.

So, what's a girl to do?

Is It Over?

In the age of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, blogs, instant messages, and text messages, are we witnessing the end of true communication? I mean, the use of proper grammar, complete sentences, and reasonably well-developed vocabularies? Will there be no more notes/letters between friends and loved ones? Heck, I'd settle for an email that's not a forward! LOL (see?! I just did it!)

I ask because yesterday while searching for a quote online (a sad commentary, because people also don't go to libraries anymore for these kinds of things), I came across Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. For English Lit majors or those who just love reading, you may already know who these two are. They were both well known poets and authors in England during the Victorian Era. Ms. Barrett has been compared to Shakespeare because of her literary imagery.

Anyway, their love has been touted as the greatest love affair of the Victorian Era. And why? It's not as though they endured war, famine, or the plague, yet managed to carve out a bit of happiness, no matter how short-lived. No, their love is hailed as great because it evolved through the pen. That's right! Letters. Letters initiated by Mr. Browning to express his admiration for Ms. Barrett's writing. Over the 20 months of their courtship, they exchanged over 500 letters.

Elizabeth Barrett's father didn't approve of the relationship, as he wished all of his children to remain unmarried. It also didn't help that Elizabeth was a sickly woman for a large portion of her life. But Browning and Barrett married secretly anyway, and he whisked her away to Italy where they lived until Elizabeth's death.

So, my question is this - in the age of literary ADD, where one word and abbreviation only reponses ("ttyl", "lol", "c u l8r") are the norm, are the days of expressing affection, sorrow, amusement, etc. through the written word over? I certainly hope not.

My Random Thoughts

So, I have things on my mind and I figure this is as good a place as any to get it out. Here goes...

- Is love really complicated or is it that we don't know how to communicate what we need, thereby making people's attempts at loving us complicated?

- Can people who once had a romantic involvement really "just be friends"? I'd like to think so.

- I read an article today about how, since Obama has been elected, white supremacist groups are seeing an influx of interest and that they've prettied (is that a word?) up their propoganda to not be "anti-minority", but "pro-white". I wonder how many closet racists I encounter daily at work and in everyday life...

- Is it me?? Or is it a combination of me and everyone else??

"All the world is strange, save thee and me, and even thou art a little strange"
- Robert Owen